Tip:How to Coach Your Kids to Success

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In order to coach your kids to success you need to understand your children.  By this I mean that you need to understand the world from their perspective, or at least have a good idea of where they are coming from.  This is incredibly crucial because if you are not meeting them in their world or at least trying to understand their map, then you are most likely trying to impose your map on them.  This simply won’t work.

The first thing you need to do is talk to your child.  Ask questions and try to find out where they are coming from and why they feel the way they do.  You might end up learning that your child has really low self-esteem and you never even realized this before.  Next you can use a technique called trans-derivational searching.

Trans-derivational searching is a way for you to help your child to find out where a certain belief or behavior is coming from and then to change that belief or behavior.  To use this technique you need to develop a series of questions based on the belief or behavior.  Each question will be an opportunity for your child to dig deeper into their mind and eventually find out why they think that way.  Here is an example:

Your son says he’s “no good in math.”

You ask, “What is the reason you think this or what is the specific problem?”

He says, “I can’t do it because of time constraint.”

You keep asking questions such as the following:

  • Was there ever a time when you felt you could do it?
  • Imagine there is no time constraint.  What is it like and can you do your math then?
  • Have you ever not had time constraint in your life?
  • When did time constraint show up in your life?
  • How do you feel when you have time constraint happening?
  • How can you rid your life of time constraint?

These questions are designed to get your child thinking about what it would be like if the “reason” for the belief wasn’t there.  This allows your child to see that they have successfully completed math before, have had a time when time constraint did not affect them or wasn’t in their life, can imagine doing math without time constraint, and can see a way to get rid of time constraint.  In the end, you can discuss strategies with your child and help them form a plan for success.

Trans-derivational searching is a technique that you can use on children of any age.  You will find that the limiting beliefs and behaviors will be different for children of different ages, but the types of questions will often apply no matter the age of the child.  After all, asking anyone how they feel about something is valid and all children have vivid imaginations with which to work.

Trans-derivational searching can also be a great way to get to know your child better.  You might be surprised about what you don’t know and you may have a great opening for sharing some of your own experiences.  Either way, your child will have a much easier time when they search their mind for the cause of the limiting belief or behavior and then they will be empowered to move past it.

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